facebook

Somedays, I just get lost online. Like, I can't stop thinking of things to say on Facebook. It's like I cry all day long on it. Wallow in my own pain. And you can't really get anywhere when you live like that. 'Cause then you have people commenting on your every thought and you see it and it never really helps it. Supposedly, according to a recent study people who post on facebook a lot have a low self esteem. I probably do, but how does posting things on facebook help at all? I think its like when people ask to have people write lyrics that REMIND them of you or ask if they should cut their hair like that or not. To me, it's so often that I'm just trying to express something and haven't quite been able to articulate it so I think about it tons, forget it a bunch, but keep chewing on it. Like, most of the time, I don't want anyone to say anything at all. In fact, more often than not, I wish they'd never seen it. But everyone wants to know how I'm feeling today. Why? I feel like fucking shit. Or I feel fucking great! But if you care so much, call me. 'Cause more often than not, I just need someone to talk to. But not really 'cause I don't want to tell you everything, I don't want to talk to you when I'm drunk and I don't want you to look at me like an alcoholic when I tell you I don't remember last night. Or when I don't remember what I just said. And I don't want to be crazy for thinking the way I do or doing the things I do.
I wanna be just me, but I don't want to have to hear your opinion about it. But I don't think telling people who you are really works anyway. You have to show them. And some days, I'm like, Oh I know who I am! I'm stunning, I'm smart, I'm an artist, I'm a cat lover, I'm a fighter, and I love vinegar. But then other days, I'm like, I'm just a piece of shit, look I can't even get a job that I want. Nor do I know what job I even want. And I look like shit and I'm an emotional crazy person and people think I'm a hypocrite and worthless because I fail all the time. And shit, I haven't showered and don't want to.
There's just a lot going on in my head all the time. I care way too much about everyone else and not enough about me, yet at the same time I care about no one but myself. I think about myself all the time and what I'm doing wrong and what I haven't done or paid off and who I haven't called and things I've already done and wish I could take back.
Nothing makes it easier though.

So here's today:
I wake up. Life is perfect; Maryjane is curled up beside me and has been all morning, my husband is holding my hand and sleeping right beside me. But it's late in the morning and I'm hung over. So is he. We sleep til 1. We don't have anymore disposable cups so I'm drinking out of the brita spout for water. I gotta pee real bad but don't wanna walk inside the house to do so. So I sleep. Finally, after like the third phone call or text, we get up and have coffee. We have no pot and I'm still hung over so I go back to bed. It's gorgeous and sunny outside but I'm inside the dumb trailer on the internet rather than outside with a book or a pencil and paper. Maryjane is even outside pouncing on grasshoppers, but I'm not. Husband just left to go out and find a job, I think. His dad will be home any minute. I'm still just sitting here. Maybe some music would change things. Where is my Ipod? ugh, I don't even want to go look for it. I just wanna crawl back in bed and hope my kitty comes to visit. Can't though...that equates me as shit.