It was as though the universe took just one second to kiss me today and then moved on.
Positive things happen in life (friends call or write, family gives needed hugs, you get all green lights, the bus comes on time or lets you on even though you don't have enough change, someone decides that for a moment your a light in their life, etc) on a semi-regular basis, but it's hard to connect all the positives when I still just feel so empty inside. I mean, it's not even been six months since my best friend died and since then I've been confined in a hospital for a night, been to jail for a night, lost friends, made friends, got divorced, gotten a new job downtown. Shit has happened. Real life definitely decided it needed to teach me a lesson. And I'm much happier now, and I feel like I'm not a girl anymore but a woman. And I really feel that's a new thing. But I also feel so unsure of my future and like I have no courage anymore. I do, but it takes a lot of churning before it shows. I feel distant and closed off with new friends that, had I met a year ago, I'd have been an open book to them. Now I just want to be me. But I'm learning that I am a turtle. Or something. I have to have a shell or something to rely on to keep me safe, and I'm the one that creates this. And I feel so completely lost not having my own complete shell yet. I'm just about 24 and I should know what I like and don't like and have an idea of what direction I want my life to head but I feel like because I don't have my shell ready, I am directionless. I'm just knocking things off perpetual to-do lists so that I feel like I'm doing something. But when it comes to actually bucking up and making a grand decision, since there's really no pressure, I just stand here. Stagnant. I used to let myself be defined by boyfriends and what others thought of me but for the first time in my life I realize that's so wrong. I want to define me. I don't want to care so much about what another person thinks of me that I let it change who I am. I don't want to get into any relationship or anything, I can barely stand close friendships right now. I just don't have enough faith that the other involved is actually interested. I'm bitter and frayed right now. I feel like the bottom of a candle that's already been used up. Just a dead wick and chunky wax. I really need to figure out how to be an oil lamp instead.
