go to another room

i'm trying to ignore the fact that i want a glass of wine, and ignore the fact that i'm so bored. but my mother in law is like screaming on the fucking phone. and nope, she can't go to another room. i'm just watching tv to entertain myself. but no, i just need to get wine and be able to fucking sleep. even though i'm not tired. my mother in law is just REALLY pissing me off. she repeats her stories each about 3 fucking times. and just rambles. i really just wish i could just be left alone. or something. 'cause cory doesn't want to hang out with me constantly, which i understand but its killing me that there's nothing to do. i just want it all to go away. please? like, can't you just shut up?

Only Prettier

"Well I’ve been saved by the grace of Southern charm
I got a mouth like a sailor and yours is more like a Hallmark card
And if you wanna pick a fight
Well I’m gonna have to say goodnight
I don’t have to be hateful, I can just say bless your heart

And even though I don’t belong with your high life friends
It doesn’t mean we don’t get together and try to make amends
It’s easier can’t you see
Let’s agree to just disagree
We don’t have to like each other but it’s sure fun to pretend

So let’s shake hands and reach across those party lines
You’ve got your friends just like I’ve got mine
We might think a little differently
But we got a lot in common you will see
We’re just like you
Only prettier

Everybody says you’ve gotta know your enemies
Even if they only weigh a hundred pounds and stand five foot three
If you just smile and behave you can always get your way
It’s a universal plan that’ll get you where you can in all societies

So let’s shake hands and reach across those party lines
You’ve got your friends just like I’ve got mine
We might think a little differently
But we got a lot in common you will see
We’re just like you
Only prettier

Let’s shake hands and reach across those party lines
You’ve got your friends just like I’ve got mine
We might think a little differently
But we got a lot in common you will see
We’re just like you
Only prettier

Well, I’ll keep drinkin’
And you’ll keep gettin’ skinnier
I’m just like you
Only prettier" 

by Miranda Lambert 

Wanna hear the song? 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFfkFgsSv0g

It's just so hilarious and SO how I feel right now. When I was at the bar tonight it was just like, meaning I was wondering, "Are you really shaking your pussy at nothing?" It was very strange. The bar was PACKED. Weirdly for Post Falls. Anyway, needed to share with the void.
Peace.

fucking hate it 2

ok, i went into about 10 places today at least 5 said "no, we're not hiring but we're always accepting applications" so it's like i'm going to waste 30 effing minutes of my time to not even get a fucking chance. like they are going to call me in a month? how helpful. i need a job now, not a month from now. why does it have to be this way? i know no one can make it better but i really wish they could or they could just all fuck off and not even be around. like, at least when you start to get drunk, it doesn't take more than a half hour if you want, and you can be happily sleeping. being sober means you have to wait til it "kicks in" and you can finally pass out. i fucking hate being poor.

positives

-katie, and walking.
-justin
-still being able to come to our trailer and love my husband, cory, and cuddle and get away
-having 2 cars still
-country music
-my mom and dad and sis and grandma

fucking hate it

i have to pee right now but don't want to walk like 30 fucking feet to go inside and pee where a stupid dog is going to bark continually and then i'm going to get glares from both in laws. then without saying a word if i'm lucky, i'd get to come back out to this trailer. and then it'd happen again when i gotta pee. and say you want a glass of water? gotta go inside. what about cooked food? gotta go inside. i don't know what to do, i fucking hate my life. can't do ANYTHING about it. so here we go, here's the list of things i hate about this place:
-getting screamed at for not shutting cubboards when i literally FORGOT, i didn't do it to piss her off.
-being treated like a slave: like i have to make dinner to eat any (even though that wasn't the original agreement)
-never knowing when they are serious and when they aren't
-feeling like even though i use nothing of theirs but 3 fucking lights, internet (but with MY wireless box), occationally a pepsi, coffee, and their bathroom, i'm a fucking piece of shit and need to pay or slave for it even though THEY were the ones who offered to let us stay here.
-duke: no matter what this fucking idiot dog barks for like 3 minutes straight if we come in the house
-jokes (that AREN'T really jokes) at dinner...when we actually get invited to dinner
-the coffee spoon: getting yelled at when i take it by accident 'cause not every fucking family leaves the spoon for everyone on their counter
-being told that no matter what we do with the trailer, it's wrong. and we need "help" and if we WANTED to have running water, they ASSUME that they'll have to do something.
-dogs ALWAYS. when sister in law comes over, there is at least 2 usually 3 jumping on me, trying to lick me and sit on me
-the WHOLE family lives here. and the only person who is treated like a person is amie.
-we're a piece of shit 'cause we aren't like them
-we have 2 cars out front 'cause theirs 2 of us and we like to be able to separate once in awhile. i KNOW this annoys them even though they have a fucking parking lot usually.
-i can't have stuff in the bathroom really
-there are 2 doors in the bathroom, one doesn't lock and on the other side, my father in law.
-i can't shave in their shower for fear i'll get yelled at for leaving hair, let alone my fucking curly head hair.
-even the fucking toilet makes noise.
-being ignored by my father in law when i did nothing wrong.
-my cat gets barked at constantly if seen
i'm sure there are more. but for now, since i have to talk to them in a wapin' 6 minutes, i'll be done. but i seriously haven't felt this shitty since i was with the ex that ruined my life. the worst part is, my husband and i are doing FINE except for being constantly depressed because of all this and not being able to find jobs. and we have fun still 'cause we have good friends. but at the end of the night, you know you have to come home to this so it kills the smile on the ride home. and we don't really listen to music anymore. that's ANOTHER sign we're depressed.

facebook

Somedays, I just get lost online. Like, I can't stop thinking of things to say on Facebook. It's like I cry all day long on it. Wallow in my own pain. And you can't really get anywhere when you live like that. 'Cause then you have people commenting on your every thought and you see it and it never really helps it. Supposedly, according to a recent study people who post on facebook a lot have a low self esteem. I probably do, but how does posting things on facebook help at all? I think its like when people ask to have people write lyrics that REMIND them of you or ask if they should cut their hair like that or not. To me, it's so often that I'm just trying to express something and haven't quite been able to articulate it so I think about it tons, forget it a bunch, but keep chewing on it. Like, most of the time, I don't want anyone to say anything at all. In fact, more often than not, I wish they'd never seen it. But everyone wants to know how I'm feeling today. Why? I feel like fucking shit. Or I feel fucking great! But if you care so much, call me. 'Cause more often than not, I just need someone to talk to. But not really 'cause I don't want to tell you everything, I don't want to talk to you when I'm drunk and I don't want you to look at me like an alcoholic when I tell you I don't remember last night. Or when I don't remember what I just said. And I don't want to be crazy for thinking the way I do or doing the things I do.
I wanna be just me, but I don't want to have to hear your opinion about it. But I don't think telling people who you are really works anyway. You have to show them. And some days, I'm like, Oh I know who I am! I'm stunning, I'm smart, I'm an artist, I'm a cat lover, I'm a fighter, and I love vinegar. But then other days, I'm like, I'm just a piece of shit, look I can't even get a job that I want. Nor do I know what job I even want. And I look like shit and I'm an emotional crazy person and people think I'm a hypocrite and worthless because I fail all the time. And shit, I haven't showered and don't want to.
There's just a lot going on in my head all the time. I care way too much about everyone else and not enough about me, yet at the same time I care about no one but myself. I think about myself all the time and what I'm doing wrong and what I haven't done or paid off and who I haven't called and things I've already done and wish I could take back.
Nothing makes it easier though.

So here's today:
I wake up. Life is perfect; Maryjane is curled up beside me and has been all morning, my husband is holding my hand and sleeping right beside me. But it's late in the morning and I'm hung over. So is he. We sleep til 1. We don't have anymore disposable cups so I'm drinking out of the brita spout for water. I gotta pee real bad but don't wanna walk inside the house to do so. So I sleep. Finally, after like the third phone call or text, we get up and have coffee. We have no pot and I'm still hung over so I go back to bed. It's gorgeous and sunny outside but I'm inside the dumb trailer on the internet rather than outside with a book or a pencil and paper. Maryjane is even outside pouncing on grasshoppers, but I'm not. Husband just left to go out and find a job, I think. His dad will be home any minute. I'm still just sitting here. Maybe some music would change things. Where is my Ipod? ugh, I don't even want to go look for it. I just wanna crawl back in bed and hope my kitty comes to visit. Can't though...that equates me as shit.

nothing better than a girl at the bar trying to get you to sell her pot and she's a whore.

Yelling at the Trees

Life is a roller coaster and this is my place to secretly but openly rant and rave about it. I don't care if you like me or don't like me, there is no specific goal in it; just self expression.

So I'll start with today, even though I won't always start this way.
I'm looking for a job. I have customer experience and serving experience, but in an economy like this one, lots of places and looking to get rid of servers, not hire more. So I've been looking at cocktailing at local bars. But I know that means, at least to some extent, I embrace the drinking night life style. Which I don't really want, but there's good money in it and it's a job.
My husband wants to start doing newspaper routes. He and I and possibly another, as a team. Sounds pretty interesting, but what about Holiday's with family? Only after the Newspapers got out. It's just a really strange thought right now.
I really love thrift store shopping and I have an eye for those 60s and 70s vintage authentic things, but I have no place to sell them so I don't buy them because I have no use for them. I always want them though. So I thought I'd start a stand at an antique store and well its $125 a month and there's no openings. Ugh. It kinda killed my dreams for today. Big time. But whatever! At least I got an awesome cake pan in the shape of a vanbus. =D