I linger too long

Is it the warmth of your skin? 

Or the feeling I get in my heart when I lay my head on your shoulder?

Is it the magnet in my groin or the intrigue circling my brain?

Nothing makes me writhe like craving the person I've imagined you to be. 

Possibly, it's the tally of memories we share. 

Possibly, it's the sound of your voice softly caressing my ears. 

Possibly, it's the hugs in which we choose not to let go for awhile. 

Possibly, it's the way you make me laugh at myself. 

Possibly, it's just you.

Then again, it could just be my imagination. 

Is it a feeling like an orgasm: one that's wonderful, but fades fast?

Is it just a random accent note on the lines of an unfinished melody? 

This has to disappear quickly like drawings in the sand,

(for this is just my imagination).

I don't look into your eyes and feel home, 

I look into your eyes and know that I'm on an adventure. 

There's a chance it's just because you're unavailable.

or  because you don't exist. 

or because you're already gone. 

Either way I can still feel the blood pumping in and out of my heart.

Maybe that's just because I'm alive, though. 

You'd probably clip my wings if we ever did tie a knot. 

Then again, maybe this whole time I've been wrong about being a bird. 

I may just be human. And there may not even be rope.

Don't take this so serious, though

(for this is just my imagination) 

I may just be sailing alone on a clear day, capable of seeing everything in sight. 

I still wonder what makes me linger, though.

Is it time between the sheets?

Is it the gentle lullaby I swear I hear when our lips are clasped together?

Is it just your ability to scoop up me and all my drama without fraying? 

Is it that you're always interested in the nearest tail and it's never mine? 

Maybe it's just the challenge of the kill in the end. 

Then again, this could just be in my imagination. 

Anyway, I think I can hear your persuasion ushering me to meet you in my dreams tonight.  

I better get going or I might miss you. 

You

Goddamnit, I need you.
I don't know who you are other than some voice in my head who just stares blankly back at me when I get you down on paper. Sometimes you're my parent,
sometimes you're my whole heart's desire. Other times, you're just me--lonely and sad.
Either way, you're not here now and I need you so badly I can almost feel it choking me.
There's no time to recover or think this through, there's just now: and it is just full of nothingness and hot air.
It is the most hollowing feeling of void.
Like even though I have so much to give and think and change, really, all that is just nothing.
Because we aren't even here. We are wherever we are. And it is most certainly NOT together. It's not some completely different ingredients being mixed together to make something wonderful. Nope, it's just a bunch of bad flavors rotting with their lack of use. And that's how we want it--or at least how we choose it.
And I know this doesn't make you love me more. Then again, did you love me? Did you love me for more than the shared blood or the pretty image in a picture?
Oh yes, yes, love myself. Believe me, I do.
Someday I will create everything I want, even if it's just on paper and never in the real world. Wait, is the world real? Do you even exist? You're just in my imagination. Some security net I've always wanted but never been able to find. It's okay, I'm really learning to stand on my own feet and get up by myself when I'm knocked over. I know I'm worth it, I know I can make huge waves of change that would have incredible results. You don't though. You just sit there saying that my observations are too precise and changes just aren't in the cards. You make it this way. I am not going to live my life just letting things happen. I am going to learn, and damn it, I'm gonna teach it after I do. Maybe someone will listen and it will save them some serious heartbreak, let alone cash. I have something. Maybe you don't want to hear it, but someday you're gonna really read it and you're going to wish that you were here all along.

It's a slow climb

I think I found my compass.
I'm pretty sure I did.
It was broken there for awhile.
I kept trying to fix it, but I didn't have all the parts.
I think I've found it.
I've been using it for a little while now,
and it hasn't broken again (yet).
Or maybe it won't break again.


I'm finally doing my own thing.
I'm finally organizing my life the way I like it.
I'm finally conquering struggles faster than I was before.
I'm finally creating a life that I want to live.
I go through life now trying to only do things I'm proud of.
I welcome learning experiences that solve something.
I'm finally in love with me.
I like how I live life, and who I am
(I make mistakes)
But I'm happy with the direction my heart wants to go.


It's everything from being able:
to play You've Got Mail on repeat if I want,
to always always always playing classical music,
to make sure the shower curtain is open so the water drips off,
to have little surprises like hidden cash or forgotten candy,
to always have clean laundry,
to make sure my kitchen doesn't smell,
to let my cat on the porch,
to hang all my hippy stuff as a collage on my walls;
I love my home, and I love what I have created.

Set down your fear
take a deep breath, then simply
Set down your fear.
Fear only has value when you're holding it;
Set down your fear.
Facing a possible consequence is far easier
than managing a life with fear.



Everything will fall just the way it should

Ask Yourself

What do you really want out of life?
Don't get lost in the idea that you can do anything and decide
it's easier to be indifferent.
What do you really want out of it? 

Your life in five years:
-What do you want to have accomplished?
-How do you want to be able to respond to the questions:
"What do you do in your free time?"
"What do you do for a living?"
"Do you get paid for the service or the skill?"

If you chose the go for the American Dream and get married and have kids,
what do you want to have done for yourself before then? 

Most importantly, in five years,
you will be most disappointed in yourself if you don't accomplish what goal?

Who are you wanting to be proud of you? 

Do you want to go out alone or with someone?

Say you live in a house and have a steady relationship; life is good,
what do you want to be doing for a living? 

How important is it to be geographically close to your family?

Do you want to be recognized by your own name or by who you know?

How do you want the elderly person on the bus to feel about you, or the pedestrian
crossing the street in front of your car? 

At the end of the day, are you going to want to go out or stay in?

When you die, what more than who you were related to, do you want your obituary to say? 

In five years do you want to be depending on someone else or 
depending on yourself to make ends meet?

How many friends do you imagine in your circle of friends? Do you want to have a circle? 

Do you want to be fit or deteriorating at sixty?

Is money important?

Must you have kids?
And if you don't, will it bother you that there's no one to carry on your legacy?

What do you really want out of life? 
Start living your life today.

where are you going and what are you doing?

at this point it's just going to be random thoughts and unsaid buzzed rambles...

I mean, where are you really going if you still don't know? 
Are you sure that's the direction you want to be headed? 

My thoughts aren't BIG enough right now.
I'm just thinking journal-like thoughts, about facebook posts and sex and who I'm dating.

I keep getting lost in the now. And I know they say that's what you're supposed to do,
but it's really not because you wind up unprepared and clueless.
It's definitely worth it if you make it so,
but sometimes, infact often, you make a much larger mess than any positive value.
And sure you definitely learn from that gigantic mess but I'm honestly over the humongous life lessons.
I know I need many more, but if there's a way to prevent the mistake ahead of time,
count me in.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going no where.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just not on the same ladder as everyone else.
Sometimes it feels like nothing I do will ever be recognized or good enough.
Maybe that's because I so often take care of those around me instead of just insisting on my many passions.