I've come to the conclusion that I need a perfect balance of alone time (forced, of course because I hate being alone) and short times with good people and of course tons of time with my husband to bounce ideas off. But if I don't get that alone time, or I miss out hanging out with some real cool people, I lose sight of myself. I go after nothing, and hate myself for it thus I get depressed. It's only when I realize I've been wasting so much of my life away by NOT thinking that I begin to really look at what I want to do with my life.
Of course I want a house someday, white with a porch. And kids, and cars, a big garden and big shady trees all over. But I'm not ready to think about it yet. I want to be doing something to where when I see family I haven't seen in awhile or old friends, I have something to say for myself not just about dreams. Oh yes, saying that my life is sleeping, television with my husband, and my cat and an entry level job is just so encouraging to hear come out of my mouth. To be perfectly honest, I hate it. I just try to stay quiet or talk about something that has to do with something new coming out. I think I need to write an entry just explaining myself, not for anyone but me; to see it all layed out. My characteristics, my weirdisms, pet peeves, goals, tendencies. Maybe then I'll find my place? But part of it I think is a matter of getting up and just doing it. Forming some sort of a plan and sticking to it. At that point it's easy, why don't I ever let it be easy?
Monday, May 14, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Internal Direction
Unleash the compass in your heart and you will find a life not ran by
society's judgmental settings or insecurity's blindness
but by a true and uncompromised intuition.
It's then that you find what you're looking for.
Little do you know and despite what you may think you're not looking for perfection.
You're looking for the materpiece of balance, compromise and understanding;
no matter who you are.
When you don't wonder if the other accepts you, that's it.
society's judgmental settings or insecurity's blindness
but by a true and uncompromised intuition.
It's then that you find what you're looking for.
Little do you know and despite what you may think you're not looking for perfection.
You're looking for the materpiece of balance, compromise and understanding;
no matter who you are.
When you don't wonder if the other accepts you, that's it.
Connecting with the girl inside
I have been so in my head lately.
Battling my past, present, and future;
trying to reconnect with the girl who used to wear ties as belts and died her hair a different color every month. I'd also like to connect with the girl who used to write poems on a regular basis whether or not anyone other than her read them.
I wouldn't even mind reconnecting with the curious one. I was so overwhelmingly confident.
I was determined to do what I wanted and felt that no one or thing could stop me.
Where did she go?
I've spent a lot of time over the years erasing bad memories.
I realize now that not all bad memories need to be expunged.
Scars need to remain so that you learn from your mistakes.
So I'm licking my wounds and building my nest for a better future.
I just can't lose her again. Being this strange emotional bouncy ball without self purpose just isn't for me.
I'm starting by writing again. I want to write constantly even if I have nothing to say but whatever strange thoughts are in my head. Maybe if I get them all out there might be something special.
My husband and I found an old poem of mine, written when I was in eighth grade. It's one of the most depressing poems I've ever written, but there's such raw emotion in it; we're creating a song based off of it.
I could be a song writer if I stopped building walls around my thoughts.
I don't need to limit myself.
No one thinks of myself as I do, and no one cares enough to think one way or the other so might as well try it out, right?
I feel I am beginning to have a heart again. I may even act on my own instincts now and not just fight myself inside over stupid intuitions. I'm dreaming, but I don't want out. Ever.
It's amazing to have someone to share what I've learned with though, I never knew how important it was for someone other than parents to have faith in you. I do now.
Battling my past, present, and future;
trying to reconnect with the girl who used to wear ties as belts and died her hair a different color every month. I'd also like to connect with the girl who used to write poems on a regular basis whether or not anyone other than her read them.
I wouldn't even mind reconnecting with the curious one. I was so overwhelmingly confident.
I was determined to do what I wanted and felt that no one or thing could stop me.
Where did she go?
I've spent a lot of time over the years erasing bad memories.
I realize now that not all bad memories need to be expunged.
Scars need to remain so that you learn from your mistakes.
So I'm licking my wounds and building my nest for a better future.
I just can't lose her again. Being this strange emotional bouncy ball without self purpose just isn't for me.
I'm starting by writing again. I want to write constantly even if I have nothing to say but whatever strange thoughts are in my head. Maybe if I get them all out there might be something special.
My husband and I found an old poem of mine, written when I was in eighth grade. It's one of the most depressing poems I've ever written, but there's such raw emotion in it; we're creating a song based off of it.
I could be a song writer if I stopped building walls around my thoughts.
I don't need to limit myself.
No one thinks of myself as I do, and no one cares enough to think one way or the other so might as well try it out, right?
I feel I am beginning to have a heart again. I may even act on my own instincts now and not just fight myself inside over stupid intuitions. I'm dreaming, but I don't want out. Ever.
It's amazing to have someone to share what I've learned with though, I never knew how important it was for someone other than parents to have faith in you. I do now.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
That extra layer
I don't have it.
The extra skin that makes you able to just let the little things people say slip off your back. I dwell.
I can try not to all I want; try to think of things outside the box, imagine the details of anything, but I'll still come back to whatever something someone said--good or bad--and try to be ok with it. Why do I even care so much? I don't have to like everyone and I most certainly don't.
I do, however, work in customer service. Where there are customers, there are regulars. I think its important to know regulars names since we ask for it for their order. I try to remember things about them to make them smile. Seriously, everyone.
It makes me happy to see the surprise on their face when I remember them. It's so worth it.
I have also always loved hearing other peoples stories. I'm interested in who ya are, whoever you are. So if a customer can have an interesting conversation, I'm more than willing to talk to them. It just fascinates me. How do I just tell people to screw off when they twist getting to know regular customers into something its not? Agh I hate when I can't stand up for myself.
The extra skin that makes you able to just let the little things people say slip off your back. I dwell.
I can try not to all I want; try to think of things outside the box, imagine the details of anything, but I'll still come back to whatever something someone said--good or bad--and try to be ok with it. Why do I even care so much? I don't have to like everyone and I most certainly don't.
I do, however, work in customer service. Where there are customers, there are regulars. I think its important to know regulars names since we ask for it for their order. I try to remember things about them to make them smile. Seriously, everyone.
It makes me happy to see the surprise on their face when I remember them. It's so worth it.
I have also always loved hearing other peoples stories. I'm interested in who ya are, whoever you are. So if a customer can have an interesting conversation, I'm more than willing to talk to them. It just fascinates me. How do I just tell people to screw off when they twist getting to know regular customers into something its not? Agh I hate when I can't stand up for myself.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Noteworthy bullshit and stuff of the day
Several things happened to me today that were noteworthy.
1: A guy got pissed at me for giving him five 1's when his change was 5.23. It's the day after fucking Christmas dude. Don't be an ass, put a dollar in the tip jar! Besides, you can't control how a business gives you change, you aren't the cashier. Only at a bank or grocery store or something huge can you be so nit-picky. We are a coffee shop. The most expensive item in the store is no more than $20. And *most* items, are below $5. No, we can't take your fucking $50 or $100 bills. Too many counterfeits, but more importantly we're only allowed to keep 1's, 5's and the rarity of 10's in the till. Don't be a prick; don't try to cash large bills and take what you get for change and go get your perfectly made bitchy high-maintenance latte.
2: A coworker actually complained that since she was on her seventh hour of work for the day and it had been busy, she shouldn't have to do her job....I almost knocked her to the ground. She kept following me around and doing anything I did aside from ringing up customers at her till. Very unhelpful.
3: The homeless woman who sits on her computer doing god-knows-what (once it was look up useless news like how many people have died in an elevator recently) with headphones on for at least twelve hours every day, brushes her teeth in our bathroom and uses toilet seat covers as towels (and she does this all after it's just been cleaned, nightly), spends no more than six dollars daily, parks in the closet spot to the store, hates men, always tries to get us to remake her drink after drinking half of it, and has a tendency to be argumentative. How do I know she's homeless? Her windows are blocked by cardboard a lot of the time and she uses our bathroom to bathe nightly. She has also tried to say she was disabled (she is no such thing at all) to our delivery guy. Oh, and she gets mad if we play classical music. She will literally ask us to turn it down and complain she's getting deaf because of it despite her wearing her huge headphones 98% of the time. I want to be nice, but it only makes this situation worse. She needs to leave. And not come back. But no one has the guts, they say we can't, and mostly, they don't care enough even though we all have to deal with her both day and night shifts and she's beyond ridiculous.
4: I met someone named "Dzintra" and someone else named "Qusai." Very cool.
5: I broke my headphones while mopping. Not cool.
1: A guy got pissed at me for giving him five 1's when his change was 5.23. It's the day after fucking Christmas dude. Don't be an ass, put a dollar in the tip jar! Besides, you can't control how a business gives you change, you aren't the cashier. Only at a bank or grocery store or something huge can you be so nit-picky. We are a coffee shop. The most expensive item in the store is no more than $20. And *most* items, are below $5. No, we can't take your fucking $50 or $100 bills. Too many counterfeits, but more importantly we're only allowed to keep 1's, 5's and the rarity of 10's in the till. Don't be a prick; don't try to cash large bills and take what you get for change and go get your perfectly made bitchy high-maintenance latte.
2: A coworker actually complained that since she was on her seventh hour of work for the day and it had been busy, she shouldn't have to do her job....I almost knocked her to the ground. She kept following me around and doing anything I did aside from ringing up customers at her till. Very unhelpful.
3: The homeless woman who sits on her computer doing god-knows-what (once it was look up useless news like how many people have died in an elevator recently) with headphones on for at least twelve hours every day, brushes her teeth in our bathroom and uses toilet seat covers as towels (and she does this all after it's just been cleaned, nightly), spends no more than six dollars daily, parks in the closet spot to the store, hates men, always tries to get us to remake her drink after drinking half of it, and has a tendency to be argumentative. How do I know she's homeless? Her windows are blocked by cardboard a lot of the time and she uses our bathroom to bathe nightly. She has also tried to say she was disabled (she is no such thing at all) to our delivery guy. Oh, and she gets mad if we play classical music. She will literally ask us to turn it down and complain she's getting deaf because of it despite her wearing her huge headphones 98% of the time. I want to be nice, but it only makes this situation worse. She needs to leave. And not come back. But no one has the guts, they say we can't, and mostly, they don't care enough even though we all have to deal with her both day and night shifts and she's beyond ridiculous.
4: I met someone named "Dzintra" and someone else named "Qusai." Very cool.
5: I broke my headphones while mopping. Not cool.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
A lie? A miscalculation? An unpredicatabality.
You know how when you're really young
they tell you
you can be anything you want
then you get to be in high school
really making decisions toward the end
it's all about death rates and success rates.
If only there was a fucking graph.
Don't go into this career,
everyone dies in mission and passion.
Go into this one, it's successful at a sixty-seven percent!
Right?
I mean, if you join the military your family is proud
but also really scared and worried.
If you're an astronaut, people have to live without you
and don't know if you'll ever come home.
I know all jobs take sacrifice to make a family work
but you gotta admit
some mathmatic legwork might ease the decision making for more than a few of us.
they tell you
you can be anything you want
then you get to be in high school
really making decisions toward the end
it's all about death rates and success rates.
If only there was a fucking graph.
Don't go into this career,
everyone dies in mission and passion.
Go into this one, it's successful at a sixty-seven percent!
Right?
I mean, if you join the military your family is proud
but also really scared and worried.
If you're an astronaut, people have to live without you
and don't know if you'll ever come home.
I know all jobs take sacrifice to make a family work
but you gotta admit
some mathmatic legwork might ease the decision making for more than a few of us.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Questions and current rambles in my head
I've been pondering a few things lately. My photographs that are really old, what do they matter now? I mean, will I get any credit? Do they have any value or worth being that old? And what if I have an idea now, for no real reason I think a girl laying on patterned cement with grass growing out of it lifting her skirt to reveal her legs and colored panties would look awesome, I say but do I take the photo? And if so, in broad daylight, how the hell am I supposed to pose for such a thing or for that matter just be the one to snap the shop.
Another question I've been thinking about it if all my outside door plants will survive the Seattle "winter"? I really don't know but my mint seems to be doing quite fine.
I also wonder if cats can have depression and if they can, does mine have it? How can I get her to be active and happy? Or more importantly, how can I get myself to do either of those things?
I want to cook more, take more photos, and write as much as possible. This requires a lot more awake time than I've become accustomed to. I mean how am I supposed to work 30+ hours a week, watch multiple episodes of crime television and eat and then do all those other things. I wish I could just have an organized system. Complete with benefits and consequences. Oh that'd be wonderful.
I need to meet an inspiring stranger, and see a very new view. Something that introduces me to a whole new world.
Well, Goodnight. Off to cuddle with the man.
Another question I've been thinking about it if all my outside door plants will survive the Seattle "winter"? I really don't know but my mint seems to be doing quite fine.
I also wonder if cats can have depression and if they can, does mine have it? How can I get her to be active and happy? Or more importantly, how can I get myself to do either of those things?
I want to cook more, take more photos, and write as much as possible. This requires a lot more awake time than I've become accustomed to. I mean how am I supposed to work 30+ hours a week, watch multiple episodes of crime television and eat and then do all those other things. I wish I could just have an organized system. Complete with benefits and consequences. Oh that'd be wonderful.
I need to meet an inspiring stranger, and see a very new view. Something that introduces me to a whole new world.
Well, Goodnight. Off to cuddle with the man.
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