Real life tragedy

I used to believe that erasing memories was a good defense mechanism for things I didn't want to exist.
Well, my best friend and former lover died this week and it seems a lot changes when you go through a tragedy like this. I erased a bunch of photographs and didn't save all the sentimentals because I was blocking the truth from someone else. Do you know what it really did? It blocked the truth from me.

I guess I'm waiting

So I haven't written in quite a while so it's gonna take me a second or so to warm up.
Take one. What can I write in 7 minutes while the tacos are baking.


Sometimes I feel like someone or something is running my body for me. Like I'm here and the world is just happening around me. Not as though I am just 'going through the motions,' but I'm unwilling to make a move unless it jumps out and seems appealing.
For instance today, and most days, I get up in the morning and start some routine that I've half ass established. I do nothing that truly benefits me (breakfast or a wake up shower or even just going out on the front porch), it's stuff like taking my husband to work or checking what's on facebook that makes it into my daily routine. There is so much dead time in my life. Time that I'm not thinking of as wasted because I hardly know it's there, so I just sit there and think or pet my cat. Unless of course something comes along that peaks my interest. And then when that something does spark my imagination, I go there and linger. For too long. I forget what my half ass routine is and fill up all my dead time with social calendar events that mean nothing but keep me busy enough to not feel unsatisfied. Which means I'm always one of two things: completely absorbed in whatever distraction I've found from the reality of the end of the day or careless and ignorant to the reality of the end of the day. Both are awful. I've tried to find hobbies but nothing truly makes me feel accomplishment or real pleasure. I want to learn to sail or something. All my dead time I can spend learning to sail. But I won't actually go and read about sailing and learn how to sail. Why? Because ultimately it doesn't hold my attention long enough. Nothing does because my brain is constantly popping out ideas and thoughts and worries that scurry me along to the next thing in front of me.







There she sits waiting.
Maybe she's waiting for a ride
or some feedback.
Maybe she's waiting for a phone call
or a lightning bolt to strike.
Then again, she could just be waiting for time.

She sits waiting for the time
to
to be that missing puzzle piece somewhere

She didn't peak through the blinds
or play with here thumbs.
She didn't go out walking in any direction.

She just sat there waiting.

Big Questions

I've come to the conclusion that I need a perfect balance of alone time (forced, of course because I hate being alone) and short times with good people and of course tons of time with my husband to bounce ideas off. But if I don't get that alone time, or I miss out hanging out with some real cool people, I lose sight of myself. I go after nothing, and hate myself for it thus I get depressed. It's only when I realize I've been wasting so much of my life away by NOT thinking that I begin to really look at what I want to do with my life.

Of course I want a house someday, white with a porch. And kids, and cars, a big garden and big shady trees all over. But I'm not ready to think about it yet. I want to be doing something to where when I see family I haven't seen in awhile or old friends, I have something to say for myself not just about dreams. Oh yes, saying that my life is sleeping, television with my husband, and my cat and an entry level job is just so encouraging to hear come out of my mouth. To be perfectly honest, I hate it. I just try to stay quiet or talk about something that has to do with something new coming out. I think I need to write an entry just explaining myself, not for anyone but me;  to see it all layed out. My characteristics, my weirdisms, pet peeves, goals, tendencies. Maybe then I'll find my place? But part of it I think is a matter of getting up and just doing it. Forming some sort of a plan and sticking to it. At that point it's easy, why don't I ever let it be easy?

Internal Direction

Unleash the compass in your heart and you will find a life not ran by
society's judgmental settings or insecurity's blindness
but by a true and uncompromised intuition.
It's then that you find what you're looking for.
Little do you know and despite what you may think you're not looking for perfection.
You're looking for the materpiece of balance, compromise and understanding;
no matter who you are.
When you don't wonder if the other accepts you, that's it.

Connecting with the girl inside

I have been so in my head lately.
Battling my past, present, and future;
trying to reconnect with the girl who used to wear ties as belts and died her hair a different color every month. I'd also like to connect with the girl who used to write poems on a regular basis whether or not anyone other than her read them.
I wouldn't even mind reconnecting with the curious one. I was so overwhelmingly confident.
I was determined to do what I wanted and felt that no one or thing could stop me.
Where did she go?
I've spent a lot of time over the years erasing bad memories.
I realize now that not all bad memories need to be expunged.
Scars need to remain so that you learn from your mistakes.
So I'm licking my wounds and building my nest for a better future.
I just can't lose her again. Being this strange emotional bouncy ball without self purpose just isn't for me.
I'm starting by writing again. I want to write constantly even if I have nothing to say but whatever strange thoughts are in my head. Maybe if I get them all out there might be something special.
My husband and I found an old poem of mine, written when I was in eighth grade. It's one of the most depressing poems I've ever written, but there's such raw emotion in it; we're creating a song based off of it.
I could be a song writer if I stopped building walls around my thoughts.
I don't need to limit myself.
No one thinks of myself as I do, and no one cares enough to think one way or the other so might as well try it out, right?
I feel I am beginning to have a heart again. I may even act on my own instincts now and not just fight myself inside over stupid intuitions. I'm dreaming, but I don't want out. Ever.
It's amazing to have someone to share what I've learned with though, I never knew how important it was for someone other than parents to have faith in you. I do now.

That extra layer

I don't have it.
The extra skin that makes you able to just let the little things people say slip off your back. I dwell.
I can try not to all I want; try to think of things outside the box, imagine the details of anything, but I'll still come back to whatever something someone said--good or bad--and try to be ok with it. Why do I even care so much? I don't have to like everyone and I most certainly don't.
I do, however, work in customer service. Where there are customers, there are regulars. I think its important to know regulars names since we ask for it for their order. I try to remember things about them to make them smile. Seriously, everyone.
It makes me happy to see the surprise on their face when I remember them. It's so worth it.
I have also always loved hearing other peoples stories. I'm interested in who ya are, whoever you are. So if a customer can have an interesting conversation, I'm more than willing to talk to them. It just fascinates me. How do I just tell people to screw off when they twist getting to know regular customers into something its not? Agh I hate when I can't stand up for myself. 

Noteworthy bullshit and stuff of the day

Several things happened to me today that were noteworthy.
1: A guy got pissed at me for giving him five 1's when his change was 5.23. It's the day after fucking Christmas dude. Don't be an ass, put a dollar in the tip jar! Besides, you can't control how a business gives you change, you aren't the cashier. Only at a bank or grocery store or something huge can you be so nit-picky. We are a coffee shop. The most expensive item in the store is no more than $20. And *most* items, are below $5. No, we can't take your fucking $50 or $100 bills. Too many counterfeits, but more importantly we're only allowed to keep 1's, 5's and the rarity of 10's in the till. Don't be a prick; don't try to cash large bills and take what you get for change and go get your perfectly made bitchy high-maintenance latte.

2: A coworker actually complained that since she was on her seventh hour of work for the day and it had been busy, she shouldn't have to do her job....I almost knocked her to the ground. She kept following me around and doing anything I did aside from ringing up customers at her till. Very unhelpful.

3: The homeless woman who sits on her computer doing god-knows-what (once it was look up useless news like how many people have died in an elevator recently) with headphones on for at least twelve hours every day, brushes her teeth in our bathroom and uses toilet seat covers as towels (and she does this all after it's just been cleaned, nightly), spends no more than six dollars daily, parks in the closet spot to the store, hates men, always tries to get us to remake her drink after drinking half of it, and has a tendency to be argumentative.  How do I know she's homeless? Her windows are blocked by cardboard a lot of the time and she uses our bathroom to bathe nightly. She has also tried to say she was disabled (she is no such thing at all) to our delivery guy. Oh, and she gets mad if we play classical music. She will literally ask us to turn it down and complain she's getting deaf because of it despite her wearing her huge headphones 98% of the time. I want to be nice, but it only makes this situation worse.  She needs to leave. And not come back. But no one has the guts, they say we can't, and mostly, they don't care enough even though we all have to deal with her both day and night shifts and she's beyond ridiculous.

4: I met someone named "Dzintra" and someone else named "Qusai." Very cool.

5: I broke my headphones while mopping. Not cool.